What Teenagers Want

As children enter adolescence, they begin being private, baffling and frustrating. Through my experience working with teenagers and families for more than ten years, I have witnessed teenagers wanting their parents to discontinue two strategies that appear to influence the relationship with their teenager.

The first strategy is trying too hard to control the life of their teenager. This strategy we would call the managerial role of parenthood. The manager of a store has the responsibility to control the movement of his staff, to manipulate what needs to be done, to get others to do as one wishes. In a baseball game, the manager or coach conducts the strategies that the team will use in the game. This role works well while they are in childhood and where behavior charts, stickers and candy is the norm.

What teenagers want from their parents is to transition from manager to consultant. Quite often, the parent does not decide the time frame when this will happen. The teenager will fire you as their manager and it will be up to you to get rehired as the consultant.

The second strategy that teenagers often want left in the bag of parenting skills is taking teens; apparent rejection to heart and back away altogether, essentially abandoning them. Teenagers are struggling with peer acceptance, identity, independence and academics. As the issues get more serious the less likely that your teenager will talk willingly to you about them. It is not until parents assume the role as consultant can dialogue begin.

Strategies As A Consultant

1. Consultants use skills such as listening, asking questions, trying to get teens to think about an issue in a new way, then backing off and letting them make decisions.
2. Consultants don’t sweat the small stuff. Consultants save their energy for the big issues such as drugs, drinking and other safety issues that may come up.
3. Consultants stay curious and less as an expert.
4. Only give advice when your teenager asks several times. This allows yourselves to give back some problems for the teenager to wrestle with.
5. Consultants can help by dealing with their own issues responsibly and to model this behavior for the teenager.

Special Points Of Interest

• Parents need to be involved in their kids’ lives, but not too involved.
• Write notes to your teenager, telling them how you feel about certain things. It’s a good way to communicate your influence quietly.
• “ A great place to have conversations with your teenager is in the car. It feels much safer and less threatening to talk side by side than face to face.”
• Teenagers say that their parents put too much pressure on them to be perfect. Allow us to make some mistakes.
• Teenagers often state that they don’t think their parent knows how difficult it is to transition from middle school to high school.
  Take advantage of teachable moments.

Aberdeen Area Counseling Center
Lisa Adler, Director
202 South Main Street, Suite 228
Aberdeen, SD 57401
1-605-229-1500
1-800-584-9248
Fax: 1-605-229-4357
Email: Lisa Adler
Satellite Office: Mobridge

Rapid City Area Counseling Center
Alan McCoy, Director
2920 Sheridan Lake Road
Rapid City, SD 57702-5350
1-605-348-0477
1-800-260-1439
Fax: 1-605-348-0479
Email: Alan McCoy
Satellite: Sturgis

Sioux Falls Area Counseling Center
Mel Harrington, Director
705 East 41st Street, Suite 100
Sioux Falls, SD 57105
1-605-357-0131
1-800-568-2401
Fax: 1-605-357-0190
Email: Mel Harrington
Satellites: Brookings, Mitchell, Yankton

Watertown Area Counseling Center
Mel Harrington, Director
Cindy Hartwig, Counseling Services Manager
1424 9th Avenue SE, Suite 7
Watertown, SD 57201
1-605-882-2740
1-800-568-7116
Fax: 1-605-882-4323
Email: Mel Harrington
Email: Cindy Hartwig
Satellites: Milbank, Sisseton

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